Anger Words: Rancor

ran·cor
n. Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will.

[Middle English, from Old French, from Late Latin, rancid smell, from Latin rancēre, to stink, be rotten.]
ran'cor·ous adj., ran'cor·ous·ly adv., ran'cor·ous·ness n.

rancor. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved August 27, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/rancor

I was certain that when I looked up “rancor” I would discover that it was a cognate of “rankle,” perhaps with relationship to “couer,” French for heart.

So I was genuinely surprised to discover that the words are unrelated. Observe the wisdom of those who built the English language by daily using and borrowing words to represent ideas ... “rancor,” “long-lasting resentment” is signified by a word coming from the Latin for something that has spoiled, gone rotten, become “rancid.” (My freshman comp teacher told us that the "c" in Latin was always hard, so try saying “rankid” and the relationship with “rancor” will be much more obvious.)

How do we avoid this emotional stench, this rancidness of the mind and mood? Practice mental hygiene. One cannot help the thoughts that may flit into consciousness, but we have a choice on the thoughts we stay focused upon. When we dwell on a wrong we have suffered, when we fantasize about what the other party deserves, we poison ourselves.

The ABCD anger log process will help us to dispute these thought patterns. Dispute?!? But we've been wronged! Are you telling us that the only solution is to give in to wrong and injustice?

No. Not at all. The solution is to stop letting others live in your head rent-free. Time spent resenting, dwelling on past wrongs generates a fearful future. We become unable to find serenity and seek refuge in vengeful thoughts which further poison our minds.

While on many occasions an honest analysis will lead us to dispute our judgments and beliefs, there will be times when that analysis will end with, “but I was wronged.” On these occasions, we do not dispute the fact of being wronged. We accept it. We then ask “Is there a better way to think about this?”

Remember, holding on to your right to resent a wrongdoing is like holding on to your “right” to rub laundry detergent into you eyes. The Buddha has been credited with saying “Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Don't cling to your resentments, for they soon become rancid in your head and make all your thoughts stink!

[Previous article Anger Words: Rankle]

anger words, words, resentment, anger, mental hygiene

Anger Words: Rankle

ran⋅kle

–verb (used without object)
1. (of unpleasant feelings, experiences, etc.) to continue to cause keen irritation or bitter resentment within the mind; fester; be painful.
–verb (used with object)
2. to cause keen irritation or bitter resentment in: His colleague's harsh criticism rankled him for days.

Rankle comes to us through a long and twisted path. Our story begins in the Latin, with the word "dracō," meaning "serpent," from which our English word "dragon" descends.

The diminutive form is "dracunculus," meaning little serpent. Closely related to this is the Old French "draoncle," meaning "a festering sore." The verb draoncler, "to fester," was then formed in Old French, with an alternate form of the word, "rancler." Middle English borrowed "rancle" and "ranclen," as noun and verb, respectively.

Again, the history of a word teaches us a great deal. The word "rankle," with its sense of irritation, resentment, or bitterness reminds us of the venom in anger. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other guy to die." (Malachy McCourt). Holding on to our right to be angry, our right to resent others, is just like holding onto a venomous viper, which keeps on biting us, leaving putrefying sores in our psyche.

An old trick from 12-step programs is to pray for those whom you resent. Pray for them to have the good things and blessings that you desire. If you don't believe in prayer, thinking of them and wishing for them to experience good things that they will enjoy may work the same way.

Using the ABCD anger log process is a way of determining how you are judging the object of your resentment and to begin to consciously reshape your thought process.

anger words, rankle, anger, anger management

Road Rage Roundup

Littledan77 / CC BY 2.0

Here's this weeks roundup of road rage stories:

1. The photo comes to us courtesy of Littledan77, who tells the story of riding his bicycle and being cut off by a car, nearly struck and killed. He was raging and furious, but had a creative vision — this picture. “There was nothing I could do to vent except this picture which to be honest took so long to do that I have calmed down considerably!” Littledan77, you get a pocket full of anger management points for demonstrating how creating a piece of art to express your emotions can greatly reduce the compulsion of anger.


2. Merrimack, NH: A pickup driver became angry at a car that moved into his lane, then braked for a right hand turn. Pickup driver retrieved a “pitchfork-type garden tool” from the bed of the vehicle and proceeded to threaten the other driver and damaged his truck, police said.


3. Norristown, PA: A tale of escalating road rage. James Roban had stopped by Dunkin Donuts and purchased five cups of coffee for his wife and her coworkers. He was waiting to make a left-hand turn at a signal when Scott Peirce pulled up behind him. Roban did not move quickly enough after the light turned green, and Peirce honked at him twice. Roban states that he drove slowly to avoid spilling coffee and that Peirce honked repeatedly and "displayed his middle finger."

   When they reached another traffic light, Pierce began yelling at Roban and flailing his arms, according to court papers. The defendant stated he couldn’t understand what the other driver was saying and reached over and threw one of the cups of coffee through the open window.

   Peirce received second degree burns on his thighs and scrotum. Roban pleaded guilty to simple assault and recklessly endangering another person and must pay Peirce $1,846 and serve two years probation. Why was no anger management required?!?


4. Tasmania, Australia: An insurance company survey found that 60% drivers had been verbally abused and nearly 70% tailgated. 74% had experience rude gestures. I wonder how that compares to Southern California?

bicycle, assault, pitchfork, coffee, burns, anger

A Picture Tells 10,000 Words

If You Put That Picture On The Internet I'll Call My Lawyer, originally uploaded by Jeremy Brooks.

Jeremy Brooks took this intense picture in San Francisco. He wrote the following about it:

This guy was on the corner of Stockton and Columbus in San Francisco yelling at a homeless man. Anger, conflict, drama — sounds like a great shot to me. I crossed the street but was unable to get anything interesting, since I only had my 50mm lens on the camera and I was just too far away.

However, Mr. Angry Overreaction Man decided that he now had a problem with me. He confronted me, demanding my camera. Of course, I refused. He got in my face and started threatening me, telling me that I cannot take his photo without his permission. I told him that yes, in fact, I can. He then walked up and bumped into me, trying to act tough. I told him that one more touch and I would call the police.

Of course, he didn’t like that very much, and at that point told me that if I put his picture on the internet, he would call his laywer. I assured him that his photo would be on the internet, and he then walked up and grabbed my camera lens. Well, that’s just not something that I will put up with, so I pulled the camera away from him and reached for my phone and started dialing. Once he saw that he turned away, still yelling threats, and continued on his way.

I felt bad for his daughter, who was with him, because she was obviously embarrassed by his antics and kept pleading with him to stop. I have a great shot showing her looking up as if saying “Oh boy, here he goes again”. But I’m not going to post that one, as she was not acting like an idiot and I don’t want to embarrass her. Mr. Angry Overreaction Man seems to do enough of that.

So, Mr. Angry Overreaction Man, your photo is now on the internet. Call your lawyer. Tell him somebody on a public sidewalk took your photo while you were on a public sidewalk. Then tell him you physically assaulted the photographer. See what he says.

• Yelling at a homeless person generates a little extra stomach acid.


• Raging at a photographer raises your blood pressure 20 points.


• Having your angry mug mocked on the internet?


• Priceless!

Teaching as Improv

My sister, Cheri Gregory, writes in her blog, One Thing I've Learned:

But it’s the way of handling “errors” that draws me post powerfully to improv as a metaphor for teaching. When there’s dissonance, when things don’t go quite as expected, when a new idea flops, or when I misread a situation, none of these errors is deemed a failure.

In the paradigm of improv, errors are considered "competent mistakes."

And there is a world of difference (at least for me!) between being a failure and being a maker of competent mistakes.

What might this have to do with anger management and teaching anger management classes? I encourage you to read the three-part article, it certainly has direct bearing on how we teach.

But there's a meta-lesson in this as well. When we strive for the “perfection” found in the classical paradigm (go read the article already), we are never perfect enough, nor is anybody around us. Disappointed at ourselves, we lash out at the imperfections of others. When we live life with rigid expectations, we set ourselves up to be disappointed, shamed, and angry.

When we live our lives as improv, however, we notice our mistakes, and work them into our improvisation. We compose as we go. We strive for harmony, for fluidity, but we own our dissonance.

And when we're flexible, instead of raging at somebody who has "screwed up," we can riff off them, working with them to co-create something new.

I'm off to listen to Miles Davis ...

teaching, anger management, perfection, improvisation, harmony

Five Steps to Curb Workplace Anger

Gregory Kyles, at the Anger Management Institute of Texas wrote an article about workplace anger recently. he distilled a list of five steps to curb workplace anger:

Steps to curb Workplace Anger: Managers should be cognizant of the first signs of aggression. Absenteeism, late-coming, tardiness and deterioration in performance are some warning signals.
• Organizations should invest in Anger Management Programs at regular intervals to enable employees to express feelings and release pent-up emotions.
• One-to-one sessions with employees should take place regularly even when no problems are apparent. This helps prevent any lurking anger issues that may blow up later.
• Active listening and conversations in informal settings should be encouraged to make people feel at ease and open up.
• Proper systems for complaints and grievances must be established. Every complaint must be dealt with within a specified time frame.
• If an employee has to be terminated, it has to be done as civilly as possible. They should not be made to feel small and humiliated.

Let's consider these steps:

1. Invest in Anger Management: The skills of anger management, emotional intelligence, assertive communication, and stress management will help any employee to work more productively. Adding anger awareness for employees whose attitude or behavior is getting out of line is also useful. Large corporations may want to train their human resources or employee assistance professionals to provide these trainings in regular workplace classes or workshops.



2. One-on-one Sessions: Ideally, supervisors and management would have developed emotional intelligence and communications skills to be a helping person for their direct reports. Unfortunately, however, management is often a serious contributor to morale and anger problems. Bringing in an outside professional to assess work units, teams, and project groups can go a long way towards helping companies avoid not just violent outbursts of rage, but also passive-aggressive slow-downs by aggrieved employees.


3. Active Listening: According to a Kaiser Permanente internal document, employees are most motivated by a) being appreciated, b) feeling like they're active participants in the process, and c) management sympathy for their problems. These three highest priorities of employees can be met readily by a manager trained in emotional intelligence using active listening. Such an approach will draw management and labor closer together.


4. Feedback: All too often, American corporations ignore employee feedback. W. Edwards Deming identified employee feedback about work process and work conditions as essential to a corporations success. Companies need to ensure that management culture can effectively receive feedback from employees and help them feel safe in providing that feedback.


5. Treat Employees with Civility and Dignity: It doesn't take a graduate degree in organizational psychology to realize that workers who are treated with contempt and hostility, will be resentful workers. Anger management training within corporations will not work until any corporate culture of management's hostility towards workers has been transformed.

How can a corporation's culture be transformed? One person at a time. Implicit in assertive communication is respect for the other individual. Teaching collaborative and cooperative methods of work, implementing consensus processes, and encouraging employee leadership and expertise can go a long way towards creating a workplace liberated from anger.

workplace, anger, workplace rage, desk rage, management skills, managerial skills, TQM, power, power structures, anger management in the workplace

Assertive Communication: You Always Say Never!

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use. – W. Johnson

When we use absolute words like “always” and “never,” we create distance between ourselves and our partners. These words are judgmental, and generally an exaggeration that does more to hurt than to heal. They also disguise the true intent of our conversation.

Let's face it my wife doesn't “always” squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Most of the time she's not even in contact with the toothpaste tube.

I know, I know, that's the logic of a 12-year-old! Indeed it is, and one could argue that it's merely a semantic difference to say “It seems to me that you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle each day, instead of rolling it from the bottom.”

Yes, this second form is more accurate. But it's just as inflammatory as the accusation “You always ...”

The real problem with “always” and “never” is that they disguise your true needs and longings.

When I say “You always squeeze the toothpaste in the middle,” I actually mean to communicate “I don’t like it when you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle.”

When I say “You never make the bed,” I actually mean to communicate “I would like you to make the bed.”

For some reason we do not trust that simply making our needs or desires known to the other party will work. Using the absolute language is an attempt to control ... it is an exercise in passive-aggressive communication.

What would life be like if we could trust our partners with our needs and desires? What if we dared to risk saying “Honey, I am needing ... ?” This would be a powerful application of assertive communication.

Using more honest language to express your true intent replaces judgmental language, and draws people closer together instead of pushing them apart.

Who is your favorite target of “always” or “never?” How might you change your language — and attitude — towards them?

always, never, relationships, communication, assertiveness, emotional intelligence

Anger Words: Ire

n. Anger; wrath. ire. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved August 06, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ire

c.1300, from Old French ire (11c.), from Latin ira "anger, wrath, rage," from Proto-Indo-European base *eis-, forming various words denoting "passion" such as the Greek hieros "filled with the divine, holy," oistros "gadfly," originally "thing causing madness;" Sanskrit. esati "drives on," yasati "boils). ire. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved August 06, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ire

"Ire" seems like such a 19th Century word, I cannot think of when the last time I heard someone use it in conversation, or even a speech. And who cares about Greek, Latin or Sanskrit?!?

The histories of words help us map how human beings think about experiences. This can help us better understand what a word or an experience means at a deep level.

"Ire" comes to English from Old French in the 11th Century, just as the Norman French invaded and conquered Britain in 1066. While plenty of other Old French words took their time finding a home in the English vocabulary, "Ire" took root immediately. Here is a question worthy of contemplation: "Why was the invaders' word for anger so quickly assimilated into the language?" (Feel free to speculate in the comments section)

We trace the word back to the Latin "ira" where it meant pretty much what it means now. And then the leap gets made back to a root language for much of the Western World, several thousand years ago. Look at all the related words: "filled with the divine," "gadfly," "thing causing madness," "drives on," and "boils."

"Gadfly:" a gadfly pesters and torments, and generally dodges all attempts to drive it away or smash it. That angry thought about a person or situation, the one you keep dismissing, just seems to keep coming back. The more you try not to think of it, the more you desire to think of it. And woe unto you when you focus on it — your tension levels climb, your blood pressure elevates, and in the midst of your favorite revenge fantasy you're killing yourself. This "gadfly" keeps coming back until you rid yourself of the judgments that give birth to the resentment and anger that haunt you. Using the ABCD process will set you free from this torment.

"Drives on:" How many times have you had a situation in hand, perhaps at the verge of resolution, but your anger drove you on, pushing too far, creating havoc and recriminations? Next time, take a time-out or cool-down period before you begin to try to fix things. Break off for more time-out as needed. This time away from the problem can stop anger and resentment from "driving on," driving you off an emotional cliff.

"Boils:" Sorta speaks for itself. When your anger boils, disengage immediately. Remember, to prevent boiling over, it's usually best to start with removing the heat! Take a time-out. Talk yourself down, practice self-soothing. Use the Anger Pyramid and/or the ABCD method. Don't boil over.

"Thing causing madness:" Yeah. Nothing like going insane with rage. Think of the Incredible Hulk or a Berserker. When rage overcomes you, your brain chemistry is radically altered — much like the effects of methamphetamine — and you are NOT in your right mind. You will do things that you long regret. The first solution to this madness is to STOP before you get there. Once you get there, take a deep and cleansing breath or three. Say nothing. Take a time-out. Walk or practice other self-soothing activities. Gradually normal sanity will return and you can practice more powerful anger management skills.

"Filled with the Divine:" When you are absolutely right and have the right to be angry, you are in the worst danger of your life. In this state of mind "god" is on your side, you may perhaps be his instrument of wrath. This is the worst madness of them all, because it tells you you are doing the right thing, that you are justified. Even when mad with rage, there is a nagging thought that you ought not to be so activated. But when you're "filled with the divine" all the brakes are off. The only way to avoid this carte blanche is to repeat the mantra "I am never justified in persisting in my anger." Take the time to work the ABCD process, the Angery Pyramid, take the time to self-soothe, to meditate or to pray. Do not continue to justify to yourself why this time your anger is "right." Even if the other party is 100% wrong (generally not the case), your anger will never make you 100% right, but it will make you 100% miserable.

[Previous article Anger Words: Wroth]

anger words, ire, etymology, commentary

The Destructive Effects of Anger

Shannon Mumford, of Daybreak Counseling Service blogged earlier this week ...

A married Wisconsin man who was also dating three women at the same time was busted by the ladies and subsequently tortured for his poor relationship skills.

When the three women found out they were all being cheated on by the same man, they devised a plan to trick the man into coming to a motel room, being bound and blindfolded, and given a massage.

Unfortunately this supposed massage turned into a torture game where the three women put Krazy Glue on his “sensitive parts,” says ABC News.

As humorus as this may sound (with an element of "poetic justice," perhaps), it was actually a vicious assault.

Imagine if four men overpowered a woman (of easy virtue), tortured her, and applied crazy glue to her "sensitive parts." Nobody would snicker. It would be an outrage, an example of how dangerous men can be.

What’s deeply saddening about this tale is that many readers snicker at the "poetic justice" inflicted upon the male. In reality, nothing has been solved. The wronged women have not changed their situation any. In fact, they went from being taken advantage of (perhaps) to perpetrating a violent assault.

How much better the situation would have been if they had learned about assertive communication and emotional intelligence. Instead of committing multiple felonies and being left with that unsettled gnawing that vengeance leaves in one’s heart, they could have taken the high road, regained their power, and not run afoul of the law.

What strategies might these ladies have availed themselves of?

1. Active Listening: Active listening would have helped the women process their feelings of betrayal, foolishness, etc. It would have allowed each of the women to support the others, and in doing so, there would have been some emotional healing. Each would have had the opportunity to recognize that they didn't have to "go it alone."

2. Assertive Communication: Using the skills of assertive communication, each of the women could have expressed their feelings to the man, as well as set boundaries.

3. Assertiveness: Taking an assertive stance to set and maintain boundaries would have allowed the women to make their lives safer and more whole. Techniques such as "Verbal Judo" or "Broken Record" or changing the locks would be included here.

4. Stress Management: Discovering that your beloved has been multiply unfaithful must be extremely stressful. Rather than lashing out — and creating more problems and more stress — it is helpful to use stress management techniques such as gentle exercise, listening to relaxing music, or meditation to reduce the stress level and susceptability to anger.

5. Focused Journaling: Doing an ABCD anger log entry, would help identify the beliefs that made the situation worse.

6. Using the Anger Pyramid: Using the Anger Pyramid to identify the negative primary emotions beneath the anger as well as the unmet emotional needs beneath those feelings would have allowed the women to deal with the upset from this event without violating the law.

The moral of the story? Don’t get mad, get anger management!

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anger management, anger management classes, anger management training, anger management workbooks, anger management posters, anger management dvds, anger management cds

4 Benefits of Letting Go of Your Right to Rage

Personal Coach and author, Sharon Cook listed four benefits of letting go of rage.

Improved physical health:

Anger activates the body for an immediate fight. While this activation can improve one's odds of beating (perhaps literally beating) an enemy, when it persists for too long, or happens too frequently, it wears away your health, including excess stomach acid, immune system dysfunction, and cardio-vascular problems. Letting go of your right to rage allows you to reclaim your right to good physical health.

Improved relationships with others

The same skills that help to manage anger (assertive communication and emotional intelligence), lead to improved relationships. When anger is kept and cherished, it often turns into resentment. This resentment can poison one's entire life. Attributed to Buddha is the saying "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that your enemy dies."

More positive outcomes attracted into your life

Focusing on life through the lens of anger causes one to see threats everywhere. Negative events become evidence that others cannot be trusted, that one is a victim. As any good life coach will tell you, this mindset leads to limitations and defeat, rather than positive outcomes and success.

A greater sense of peace and purpose and an easier time in being gentle with yourself

Being willing to forgive others, and practicing letting go of the past makes it much easier to forgive one's self. Practice accepting others and self-acceptance comes automatically. Cultivate a vengeful and judgmental attitude and self-hate will increase as well.

So it all boils down to what one desires in life: the "right" to be angry and the suffering that comes with it, or letting go of the "right" to be anger, and applying the skills of anger management to lessen your own anger and live a more abundant life.

Anger Words: Wroth

wroth. Pronunciation: ˈrȯth also ˈrōth. Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English "wrāth"; akin to Old High German "reid" twisted, Old English "wrīthan" to writhe. Date: before 12th century

Meaning: intensely angry : highly incensed : wrathful

Anger management skills can help prevent twisting one's life up with anger, can help prevent the writhing with suffering that anger leads to. Wroth. Wrath. Rage. It's good to develop a correct understanding of what something is.

Too often, anger masquerades as a powerful way of controlling the world. We imagine it our tool to keep us safe, to impose our will on the world. In reality, it keeps people from wanting to cooperate with us. We engender angry responses and even hatred when we use anger as our main tool. Instead of safety, we create suffering.

Learning to understand anger, learning to communicate assertively, learning to practice emotional intelligence, and learning the skills of stress management — these will enable us to live life more effectively. Certainly they will help us avoid writhing with twisted wrath.

[Next article Anger Words: Ire]

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wroth. (2009). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.
Retrieved August 2, 2009, from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wroth

anger, rage, wroth, wrath, fury, anger management, anger management classes

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammo!

OKLAHOMA CITY -- An Oklahoma church canceled a controversial gun giveaway for teenagers at a weekend youth conference. Windsor Hills Baptist had planned to give away a semiautomatic assault rifle until one of the event's organizers was unable to attend.

Gives a new meaning to "Onward Christian Soldiers," doesn't it? I'll have to learn to pray with my .357 mag in my hands ... What's next, ammunition as rosary beads? WWJD? Would he laugh or cry, or just turn the other cheek?

Actually, it's the church that has cheek. Since they're not going to give the weapon away this year, perhaps they could give it to a graduate of a local anger management program!!!