Anger Management Does NOT Mean Not Getting Angry!

Every so often, I get a student in anger management class who is concerned or “resistant” because they think anger management class is about getting rid of anger. It's kind of fun watching the understanding on their faces as they realize that they can manage their anger and still feel angry.

Anger management classes teach skills in managing anger—not the hidden secret to getting rid of anger. Anger is part of what makes us human. Handled skillfully, it can teach us about who we are, what we need, and what's wrong in our lives. Anger management can point the way to changing situations so that we get our needs fulfilled and have stronger relationships.

Handled in the “normal” way—by acting aggressive or dominant, by having a violent outburst, by passive-aggressive sabotage, or by submissive resentment—anger only hurts us and those around us.

But of course this is seen as “normal.” We live in a society addicted to anger, addicted to playing dominance games, where the most aggressive “wins” and the rest fight back surreptitiously. I strongly believe that this is not a function of human nature, but of human nurture—or rather, the lack of nurturance.

The social systems of western civilization are founded on hierarchy and domination. Not only our political systems, but our economic system as well. The “Golden Rule” has become the Rule of Gold: “He who has the gold, makes the rules.” In this election year, we get to flex our democracy—yet even political campaigns are filled with the attempt to dominate, with angry words and accusations.

We have grown up in a world where nobody has ever taught us how to handle our anger properly. We grow up seeing anger used as a tool of power-over. Anger management teaches us skills of using anger as a power-within and with emotional intelligence and communication skills, allows us to build power-with others. The power to change.

When I teach anger management, it is a revolutionary act. This is my non-violent challenge to the status quo. I empower people to know themselves, to know their anger, and to know how to use their anger healthfully, to use their anger to grow, to connect with others, and to build stronger partnerships and teams. This is a revolutionary act, a rebellion against the hierarchical paradigm that teaches us to use anger to dominate others, whether openly through aggression or covertly through resentment and passive-aggressive sabotage.

¡Viva la revolución!