The Fine Art of Apology

You lose your temper. You internalize your anger. You take it out on others. The best way to get over the guilt you feel, is to apologize.

Not being able to apologize, due to pride, ego or shame leaves you with a residual anger that can build over time and release itself again and again. The only way to really be free is to accept responsibility for your actions and make amends.

—Anger Management TV blog

To apologize means to turn away from the judgments and beliefs that led to anger in the first place. Apologize comes from the Greek "apo" (away from) + "logos" (logic / word / system of thought). Thus, to apologize is to move away from the logic that caused the anger in the first place!

Using the ABC's of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in an anger log or journal is an excellent way of preparing to apologize. It's a way to get your thinking straight.

Having a power phrase sounds like a great technique, too. It's an anchor one can use in the moment — whether to forestall anger itself or to contain one's emotions.

Taking a cleansing breath before using the power phrase can also be a great idea. A cleansing breath is a long, slow inhalation through your nose (keeps it slow), pausing for a heartbeat or two, then a long, slow exhalation through your mouth (loosens the jaw and facial muscles, promoting relaxation and parasympathetic nervous system activity). This will change voice timbre and body language and help calm the situation.

Free Anger Management: The Anger Journal

Managing anger - stuff you can do right now - and that won't cost you anything but time. It's free anger management! My mini-anger management program is quite simple. Each day for 30 days, keep an anger log with at least one entry per day. If a day goes by without you feeling angry, you can process a past angry event. I have a "long form" anger log, but the following few points can be memorized — it's as easy as A, B, C — and logged on the back of a napkin! Record the date on each entry ... it will help you see progress when you look back.

A. Activating Event - what triggered or invited your anger? You only get 3 lines to write about this; NO MORE! Writing more will just feed your feelings of justification for being angry. Just write enough to help your make sense of the rest of the log.

B. Beliefs/Judgments - it is impossible to get angry without judging the target of your anger. List as many of the beliefs and judgments that lead to anger as possible. Some of these will even be quite accurate and maybe even appropriate. Some may turn out to be quite irrational. Write them all down.

C. Consequences - what happened as a result of your anger? What did you do? Feel? Did you practice anger management? Did you blow up? What happened then? Etc ...

D. Dispute - go back to the B section. Challenge each of your beliefs and judgments - even ones that are "correct" do not help you if they lead to anger. So, ask if there is another perspective to take that is more helpful. What would be a more effective way of looking at things? Some of my beliefs I just have to laugh at, because they're so childish. Others, I have to take very seriously, and then look for a better perspective - because I do not want to be consumed by anger.

Do this at least once a day for 30 days ON PAPER and see how you change, how your approach changes. If you're not satisfied, I'll gladly refund my fee for this free anger management program!