Anger and Self Criticism

Don’t be so self-critical. You won’t feel better about yourself is you constantly second guess your actions. You may have been told your whole life that you’re no good, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe it’s true. Letting go of what others think is the first step towards seeing yourself in a better light.

— Anger Management TV blog

Alas! The wording of this advice plays into the trap of self criticism. Imagine the inner voice:

I must not be so self critical.

I must not be so self critical about being so self critical.

I must not be so self critical about being so self critical about being so self critical ...

Enough already!

The very act of judging oneself reinforces the tendency to judge. Instead, a key anger management practice is to learn self-acceptance. Instead of the self critical self talk "I must not be so self critical" one could practice affirmative self coaching "I am learning to accept myself."

While this is an improvement on many levels, our self critical natures, established over many years rarely yield to coaching like this. "I am learning to accept myself" generally gets followed by the internal comeback "Yeah, right. I'm still too self critical."

It seems that simply affirming what one desires does not change deep judgments very well. Instead, one must cleverly align with the self critic's judgmental voice but twist the response to self acceptance.

I must not be so self critical.

[oops]

I am grateful for having such a powerful sense of right and wrong. My ability to criticize myself helps me to learn and to avoid mistakes.

This change, when practiced over time, can cause nearly a complete reversal of toxic self criticism. Self judgment settles down to the appropriate level of being the voice of a good conscience.

This technique of shifting long-established thought patterns is a goal of anger management and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Self coaching is a very powerful tool for implementing this shift. Practicing acceptance instead of judgment is a key principle of anger management and emotional intelligence. Self acceptance includes accepting one's tendency for self judgment. This enhances self esteem over the long run and immunizes one against petty bouts of rage.

"But it's not FAIR ..."

A new study found that people who thought they were treated unfairly were more likely to suffer a heart attack or chest pain. Those who thought they had experienced the worst injustice were 55% more likely to experience a coronary event than people who thought life was fair ...

Researchers found that the rate of cardiac events among civil servants who reported low levels of unfair treatment was 28% higher than for those who had no complaints. People who reported moderate unfairness saw their risk rise by 36%.

Unfairness. Victimization. Obsessing over injustices. Lethal.

One of the proven approaches to anger management is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that helps one to deconstruct the situations that trigger anger — specifically, to deconstruct the beliefs and judgments that lead directly to anger.

Often, people become angry in the face of unfairness or injustice. They judge the situation as wrong. It seems to threaten their sense of fairness.

While a strong sense of justice is admirable, becoming angry at injustice or unfairness is counter productive. The anger response does not change the situation, it only endangers the angry person.

Anger management uses CBT to guide one to deconstruct their own response to injustice or unfairness. It helps to clarify the judgments and invites the person to enhance their emotional intelligence by finding a new perspective on the situation. Often times keeping an anger log will help to create this new perspective. Sometimes it's simply enough to ask oneself "What is a more helpful way to view this situation?"

When there is a genuine injustice, this is not the practice of denial. Instead, finding a new perspective allows one to practice compassion and emotional intelligence while recognizing injustice. It encourages one to accept the situation, including one's own sense of outrage. It empowers one to step out of anger and into effective action.

The Sledgehammer Anger Management Class

A student group at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., has found a way to make money off the frustration that misbehaving computers generate.

On Thursday, the Association for Computing Machinery's Special Interest Group on Graphics and Interactive Techniques (ACM-SIGGRAPH) is holding Anger Management 101. Students can hit surplus computer equipment with a sledgehammer after paying a modest charge -- $1 for every 15 seconds with a maximum of one minute per student. Source: UPI-1-20070424-16380400-bc-us-computersmash.xml

At $240.00 per hour, this is much more expensive than your average anger management class! But is it effective? Doesn't it help anger management to occasionally smash something or blow off steam?

Studies say "no." While venting one's anger on an inanimate object may seem like an attractive option, it is not helpful. Often, people punch pillows, hit the wall, or smash things — but these behaviors only intensify anger in the end. Attempting to vent anger me feel good temporarily (because one gets the chance to burn off adrenaline), but it leads to increasing and intensifying hostile and aggressive behaviors.

Thich Nhat Hanh asks why a person would hit a pillow when they're angry "The pillow has done them no harm!" Anger does not exist in the object of venting - or even in the target of aggression. Our anger exists only between our own ears.

Since we create our own anger in our own minds, we must manage anger within our own minds. Tools such as keeping an anger journal help us do this. Taking an anger management class and learning the skills of non-violent communication, stress management, and emotional intelligence help us do this. Smashing things does not.

Free Anger Management: The Anger Journal

Managing anger - stuff you can do right now - and that won't cost you anything but time. It's free anger management! My mini-anger management program is quite simple. Each day for 30 days, keep an anger log with at least one entry per day. If a day goes by without you feeling angry, you can process a past angry event. I have a "long form" anger log, but the following few points can be memorized — it's as easy as A, B, C — and logged on the back of a napkin! Record the date on each entry ... it will help you see progress when you look back.

A. Activating Event - what triggered or invited your anger? You only get 3 lines to write about this; NO MORE! Writing more will just feed your feelings of justification for being angry. Just write enough to help your make sense of the rest of the log.

B. Beliefs/Judgments - it is impossible to get angry without judging the target of your anger. List as many of the beliefs and judgments that lead to anger as possible. Some of these will even be quite accurate and maybe even appropriate. Some may turn out to be quite irrational. Write them all down.

C. Consequences - what happened as a result of your anger? What did you do? Feel? Did you practice anger management? Did you blow up? What happened then? Etc ...

D. Dispute - go back to the B section. Challenge each of your beliefs and judgments - even ones that are "correct" do not help you if they lead to anger. So, ask if there is another perspective to take that is more helpful. What would be a more effective way of looking at things? Some of my beliefs I just have to laugh at, because they're so childish. Others, I have to take very seriously, and then look for a better perspective - because I do not want to be consumed by anger.

Do this at least once a day for 30 days ON PAPER and see how you change, how your approach changes. If you're not satisfied, I'll gladly refund my fee for this free anger management program!

Anderson Tools Found Helpful in Schools

Training school social workers to lead "talk therapy" sessions during the school day can help teens and pre-teens recognize and begin to overcome mild depression, anxiety and anger problems, research is showing.

Researchers reported results from 45 students who received individual sessions, and 60 who participated in group sessions, with three social workers at two middle schools and one alternative high school in Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti, Michigan.

The therapy sessions were conducted by school social workers who were trained to provide a modified form of a well-established and proven talk-therapy approach called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT.

Several standardized measuring tools showed significant improvement nearly across the board after students completed the multi-week program. Signs of improvement included better mood and cognitive skills among the depressed students, and decreases in angry feelings toward teachers and improvements in problem-solving ability among those who received counseling for anger issues.

Anderson & Anderson, trusted worldwide provider of anger management and executive coaching services, uses interventions based on the same cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) that was used in this study. CBT has proven a powerful tool in many areas of behavioral medicine, including the treatment of depression and anxiety, as well as anger and stress management.

The Anger Journal techniques presented in both Anderson's adult and adolescent workbooks exemplifies CBT's approach to helping people rethink their automatic responses to triggers and stressors, and replace them with more effective behaviors.