Assertive Communication: You Always Say Never!

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use. – W. Johnson

When we use absolute words like “always” and “never,” we create distance between ourselves and our partners. These words are judgmental, and generally an exaggeration that does more to hurt than to heal. They also disguise the true intent of our conversation.

Let's face it my wife doesn't “always” squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Most of the time she's not even in contact with the toothpaste tube.

I know, I know, that's the logic of a 12-year-old! Indeed it is, and one could argue that it's merely a semantic difference to say “It seems to me that you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle each day, instead of rolling it from the bottom.”

Yes, this second form is more accurate. But it's just as inflammatory as the accusation “You always ...”

The real problem with “always” and “never” is that they disguise your true needs and longings.

When I say “You always squeeze the toothpaste in the middle,” I actually mean to communicate “I don’t like it when you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle.”

When I say “You never make the bed,” I actually mean to communicate “I would like you to make the bed.”

For some reason we do not trust that simply making our needs or desires known to the other party will work. Using the absolute language is an attempt to control ... it is an exercise in passive-aggressive communication.

What would life be like if we could trust our partners with our needs and desires? What if we dared to risk saying “Honey, I am needing ... ?” This would be a powerful application of assertive communication.

Using more honest language to express your true intent replaces judgmental language, and draws people closer together instead of pushing them apart.

Who is your favorite target of “always” or “never?” How might you change your language — and attitude — towards them?

always, never, relationships, communication, assertiveness, emotional intelligence