Assertive Communication: You Always Say Never!

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use. – W. Johnson

When we use absolute words like “always” and “never,” we create distance between ourselves and our partners. These words are judgmental, and generally an exaggeration that does more to hurt than to heal. They also disguise the true intent of our conversation.

Let's face it my wife doesn't “always” squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Most of the time she's not even in contact with the toothpaste tube.

I know, I know, that's the logic of a 12-year-old! Indeed it is, and one could argue that it's merely a semantic difference to say “It seems to me that you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle each day, instead of rolling it from the bottom.”

Yes, this second form is more accurate. But it's just as inflammatory as the accusation “You always ...”

The real problem with “always” and “never” is that they disguise your true needs and longings.

When I say “You always squeeze the toothpaste in the middle,” I actually mean to communicate “I don’t like it when you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle.”

When I say “You never make the bed,” I actually mean to communicate “I would like you to make the bed.”

For some reason we do not trust that simply making our needs or desires known to the other party will work. Using the absolute language is an attempt to control ... it is an exercise in passive-aggressive communication.

What would life be like if we could trust our partners with our needs and desires? What if we dared to risk saying “Honey, I am needing ... ?” This would be a powerful application of assertive communication.

Using more honest language to express your true intent replaces judgmental language, and draws people closer together instead of pushing them apart.

Who is your favorite target of “always” or “never?” How might you change your language — and attitude — towards them?

always, never, relationships, communication, assertiveness, emotional intelligence

4 Benefits of Letting Go of Your Right to Rage

Personal Coach and author, Sharon Cook listed four benefits of letting go of rage.

Improved physical health:

Anger activates the body for an immediate fight. While this activation can improve one's odds of beating (perhaps literally beating) an enemy, when it persists for too long, or happens too frequently, it wears away your health, including excess stomach acid, immune system dysfunction, and cardio-vascular problems. Letting go of your right to rage allows you to reclaim your right to good physical health.

Improved relationships with others

The same skills that help to manage anger (assertive communication and emotional intelligence), lead to improved relationships. When anger is kept and cherished, it often turns into resentment. This resentment can poison one's entire life. Attributed to Buddha is the saying "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that your enemy dies."

More positive outcomes attracted into your life

Focusing on life through the lens of anger causes one to see threats everywhere. Negative events become evidence that others cannot be trusted, that one is a victim. As any good life coach will tell you, this mindset leads to limitations and defeat, rather than positive outcomes and success.

A greater sense of peace and purpose and an easier time in being gentle with yourself

Being willing to forgive others, and practicing letting go of the past makes it much easier to forgive one's self. Practice accepting others and self-acceptance comes automatically. Cultivate a vengeful and judgmental attitude and self-hate will increase as well.

So it all boils down to what one desires in life: the "right" to be angry and the suffering that comes with it, or letting go of the "right" to be anger, and applying the skills of anger management to lessen your own anger and live a more abundant life.