Happiness, Complexity, and Emotional Intelligence

Are happy people necessarily more complex people? To understand this counter-intuitive idea we need to begin with the importance of social capital. What exactly is social capital? It's described as an informal network of mutual aid and information exchange that keeps communities thriving. Crucially this network can act as a potential buffer against stress and alienation.

The irony: those who are happy are least susceptible to stress, and thus to anger. "Social capital" turns out to be a major benefit of practicing emotional intelligence. To know oneself and to control oneself lead to greater opportunities for happiness as well as being the foundations for emotional intelligence.

Anger management techniques, such as positive self-talk (essentially being your own coach) help to strengthen these abilities. Journalling on a regular basis can also help us figure out where difficulties lie. As far back as Aristotle, people have recognized that self-care, self-control, and self-awareness form crucial bases for happiness.

In Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam finds that happier people are more socially connected. This requires social awareness and relationship management—and also form a basis for emotional intelligence.

Maintaining meaningful social connections in a modern life that is ever more disconnected requires creativity and a willingness to embrace the more complex lives that go with holding down a career, commuting, being involved in family, and being a part of one's community.

Complexity leads to involvement and demands solidly developed skills of emotional intelligence. To some these seem to come naturally. Others require practice and growth, often times through executive coaching or an anger management class. But the dividends of greater happiness and less stress come to those who work for it.

Anger and Self Criticism

Don’t be so self-critical. You won’t feel better about yourself is you constantly second guess your actions. You may have been told your whole life that you’re no good, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe it’s true. Letting go of what others think is the first step towards seeing yourself in a better light.

— Anger Management TV blog

Alas! The wording of this advice plays into the trap of self criticism. Imagine the inner voice:

I must not be so self critical.

I must not be so self critical about being so self critical.

I must not be so self critical about being so self critical about being so self critical ...

Enough already!

The very act of judging oneself reinforces the tendency to judge. Instead, a key anger management practice is to learn self-acceptance. Instead of the self critical self talk "I must not be so self critical" one could practice affirmative self coaching "I am learning to accept myself."

While this is an improvement on many levels, our self critical natures, established over many years rarely yield to coaching like this. "I am learning to accept myself" generally gets followed by the internal comeback "Yeah, right. I'm still too self critical."

It seems that simply affirming what one desires does not change deep judgments very well. Instead, one must cleverly align with the self critic's judgmental voice but twist the response to self acceptance.

I must not be so self critical.

[oops]

I am grateful for having such a powerful sense of right and wrong. My ability to criticize myself helps me to learn and to avoid mistakes.

This change, when practiced over time, can cause nearly a complete reversal of toxic self criticism. Self judgment settles down to the appropriate level of being the voice of a good conscience.

This technique of shifting long-established thought patterns is a goal of anger management and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Self coaching is a very powerful tool for implementing this shift. Practicing acceptance instead of judgment is a key principle of anger management and emotional intelligence. Self acceptance includes accepting one's tendency for self judgment. This enhances self esteem over the long run and immunizes one against petty bouts of rage.